My Therapy

Very honest therapy and very emotional when heard it in GA. Keep up the hard work mate and all the best with your recovery.

gamblingsnotforme

From when I can remember I always had the buzz for winning things. Even if there is no chance of winning. From the early years I loved the dazzle of the arcades at the seaside. The lights and the sounds. All entice you in. 2p machines, Grabbers and the 5p fruit machines. Playing on the arcades to win tickets. Probably spend £30 over a week’s holiday to win a toy that was worth around £5. Looking back I probably was not even bothered about the toy. All innocent fun as a child but set the foundation for what was to come in the future.

Around 2001. I started going to the local pub with my granddad on Saturday nights. We always used to go in the back room of the pub as it was quieter but we sat right next to the fruit machines. Grandad used to drink away with…

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On a spiritual high

In the past I would have been desperate to place that next bet to get the rush of gambling again. Although the majority of the time I would end up losing, the gambling urges would always take me back to feel that high again from going all or nothing.

How do you replace that rush/buzz?

Many people can never replace the buzz they got from gambling but by following the principles of the 12 step recovery program I have come very close in recent months.

Taking this Easter weekend as an example:

I have decorated my children’s bedrooms which gave me enormous satisfaction and they helped me along the way which was fun at times!

I also found time to do a junior parkrun with my 7 year old daughter which we both enjoyed #strongbodystrongmind. Which reminds me I need to get training for my half marathon in September….Its good to have personal goals in recovery and things to look forward to.

I’m very fortunate now that I have stopped gambling my wages can go to more productive things such as holidays and days out and these are special times spent with family and great friends.

One of the highest points of this weekend was my GA meeting tonight at Nottingham. If you have read my story you will know that I used to attend the Nottingham meeting when I first started attending GA and now I use it as a secondary meeting to Chesterfield. 

Tonight I decided to chair the meeting for the first time since about 2007, which didn’t seem like a big deal but on reflection afterwards I took a lot from the meeting and put a lot into it. There were a lot of newer members and people who were struggling to walk the tightrope of recovery so it was great to be able to help others and pass on the advice I had been given In the early days. This will sound bizarre to people who have not been to a 12 step recovery meeting but the power in the rooms of GA recently has been immense. If you could bottle it and sell it as medicine you would make a fortune.

So where does the power come from?

Some people believe God, some people believe it’s the people in the room. I believe there is something spiritual in the rooms of GA and those 2-4 hours a week I spend there results in me coming out the room with a added barrier of protection and I’m not sure what to call it??? For those thinking GA is a religious group, it is not as GA is not allied to any religion although God is mentioned in some of the literature. (This is the God of your own understanding). 

I felt I needed to write something tonight as I feel this recovery journey I’m on is going very well at the moment and the high’s I am feeling on a daily basis is going a long way to keep me away from gambling. So today I am not missing the buzz of gambling but tomorrow could be a different story. That is the problem with addiction, but I am living with that and getting great support at GA and with family and friends.
So the wife is making us go to IKEA tomorrow which isn’t my first choice for a bank holiday Monday but at least I will not be having a gamble and the hot dogs and meat balls are rather nice so it would be rude not to!!

Like I said on Twitter yesterday. Don’t let your recovery be like watching paint dry, go and have a fantastic life as gambling is no longer holding me back financially and emotionally.

  

Is Problem Gambling and Addicted Gambling The Same?

Sharing My Journey of Hope, Help & Recovery From Gambling Addiction, News & Resources.

Welcome Recovery Friends, Visitors, and Happy Easter!

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OK, so I am a bit confused about a little question? Is there really a difference between problem gambling and addicted gambling? Now I have searched and searched to see what comes up on Google, and other websites. Then I decided to go to Wikipedia and see if they have a difference between the two. I find it kind of confusing, but here is what I found. First, I checked for Gambling Addiction, and all I got was THIS:

The page “Addicted gambling disorder” does not exist. You can ask for it to be created, but consider checking the search results below to see whether the topic is already covered.

• HHHHHHMMMMMMMMM,

  THEN, I went and typed in Problem Gambling and got a lot more…

Problem Gambling:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia ~ (Redirected from Gambling addiction)

Problem…

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The day I nearly wrote to Michael Owen

Around the start of 2003 (when I was deep in the quicksand of compulsive gambling) I suddenly had a bright idea to get me out of my gambling debts.

There was a lot of press about Michael Owen’s gambling losses and I thought about writing a letter to him to tell him about my gambling problem. The logic behind it was I once played football against him at U15 level and he was born about a week after me so he may feel sorry for me and give me some money to bail me out of my spiralling debts.

These are the desperate/deluded thoughts you have as a compulsive gambler as you think of many ways to get money to pay off debts and to gamble with. The $100 questions are would Michael have sent me a lifeline? And would I have paid my debts off with the money or gambled with it? I guess we’ll never know the answers to either of them but thought I would share this experience as it came to me whilst driving home from work today. I have always been a fan of Michael Owen and always followed his career but the money he lost vs. What he was earning probably meant he didn’t have a problem as it was money he could afford. Whereas when I was £13k in debt I was only earning £11k a year so over 100% of my salary was being spent on my gambling. When you see Footballers have lost £50k gambling it seems like a ridiculous amount but when they are earning £5 million a year it is a very small percentage. It is all relative to what you earn and what you can afford to lose.

There was also a time when I did write to Michael Chopra when it came out about his gambling problems, but this was not a begging letter it was more offering support and sharing my gambling and recovery story. Never got a reply from that so not sure if he ever got it??? Often wonder if he is still struggling with his gambling or is he now in recovery too?
 

17 months gambling free

Another month goes by since my last bet and although I’m now 17 months clean, temptation is always around the corner and in your face (especially with it being Cheltenham Festival week). 

I’ve been trying all week to keep as far away as possible from anything to do with Cheltenham but it is very hard when it is all over the TV, Radio, Newspapers and Social Media.

To be honest, although I used to have the odd bet on horses, Cheltenham was never a big thing for me and as an addict I would bet on anything whether it was the Grand National or virtual racing. I know people in Recovery will be struggling this week but all I would say is that accept you are powerless over gambling and the only way to win and be happy is by not placing a bet. This sounds simple but it is very difficult when you are in a gambling mindset.

Although 17 months down the line I still have to take things 1 day at a time and have spent most of the week turning the TV or Radio off every time something about Cheltenham has come on as I don’t want something to trigger me into having gambling thoughts again.

I see a lot of people on Twitter trying to stop gambling using their willpower alone and this is impossible if you are a compulsive gambler. I tried to stop many times on my own but the addiction was too strong to suck me back into the quicksand of compulsive gambling. You cannot do it alone and you need all the help you can get.

There are several support and treatment groups out there for problem gamblers but I have only ever tried Gamblers Anonymous which has always worked for me so I can’t knock it.

Through attending GA and working on my recovery I now have all the things I wanted when I was gambling and this is by not gambling but by living a normal life. I now see the value of money as when I was gambling online it was like Monopoly money.

So hope everyone at my GA meeting is having a good week and keeping away from Cheltenham and hope my followers on Twitter will stay strong tomorrow. I wish people in the midst of gambling misery could see how far I have come in the past 17 months and the peace of mind I now have as I don’t have to lie and cover things up anymore.

Just for today – I will not gamble

#Serenity

#FcukCheltenham
 

My ‘Recovery’ Poem

Recovery is possible

Easy to relapse

Complacency is the enemy

Online gambling was my poison

Very addictive and available 24/7

Every GA meeting makes me stronger

Remember the Serenity Prayer

You can do it – 1 day at a time

  

#Gambling

  

Be aware of TOM

Different recovering problem gamblers have different triggers that may send them back gambling but it is often spoken in the GA room about Time, Opportunity and Money and when those 3 things come together you have a good chance of betting again (there may be additional triggers required which I will come onto later).

That’s why we have to put barriers in place to prevent Time, Opportunity and Money coming together. This can be difficult in practice so this is my experience.

Time – when you are not gambling you have a lot of time on your hands and you have to fill the void left by gambling. For me having 2 Children now aged 9 and 6 I am now able to devote a lot more time to them and be a proper dad. I also have started running again as a healthy body stimulates a healthy mind. I have read more books in the last few months than I have in the last 10 years, and get a lot of inspiration from reading books about other compulsive gamblers such as Kevin Twaddle. The final productive thing I do to fill my time is write this blog….

Opportunity – This is the hardest one to tackle as gambling is in your face 24/7 (as Chelsea Andy) used to say every week in GA Nottingham meeting. As my gambling was predominantly online I have blocked gambling sites on my laptop using K9 and I now have Gamban app on my IPhone but there is still opportunity out there. I cannot block myself or lock myself away from every form of gambling as that’s impossible but that’s where the strength of GA meetings helps. I do try and keep as far away from gambling as i possibly can and the barriers I have put in place on my finances have also limited my opportunity.

Recently I have also self excluded from the bookmakers in my local area and near where I work. Like I said most of my problematic gambling was online but every barrier you can put in place helps.

Money – if you haven’t got any bullets, you cannot shoot your gun. Carrying money for some recovering compulsive gamblers is like carrying a syringe of heroine for a drug addict. It is very hard to give control of your finances over to another person (and not everyone is fortunate enough to have somebody to hand their finances over to). I was lucky that my wife was able to take control of our finances and I surrended my credit card, joint account card and PayPal account to her as these were the 3 main avenues I used to gamble. I now just have a basic bank account with no overdraft and she puts me in money each week for petrol to get to work.

Don’t get me wrong, if I need any money my wife will give it to me but I will always get a receipt and be transparent with her to help rebuild the trust. The truth is although I don’t have control of my finances, they are in a lot better control now my wife is looking after them as the money is being spent on the right things and our savings are building up (rather than me frittering it away online). So I am happy for this situation to continue as it works for us as a family.

So when TOM comes together I believe a 4th element is also involved and that is an emotional trigger which is the final straw which sends us back into gambling mode. Everyone’s triggers are different and if you can recognise yours then you are doing well in your recovery.

My top 3 triggers would be

1. Stress from work
2. Arguments with the wife
3. Having money I didn’t have to account for (e.g money my wife didn’t know about).

I will go into these in a bit more detail on a separate blog.

Others triggers maybe

• Health scare
• Bereavement
• Debts
• Good News
• Seperation / Being Alone
• Losing Job

Hope this makes sense! My name is Steve and I’m a compulsive gambler. No bets since 18th October 2014…..

My 12 Step Recovery Journey

Now I am over 2 years gamble free I thought it was appropriate to reflect again on my current recovery position with the 12 steps programme and where I see myself on that Journey.

Getting to Step 1 is one of the hardest for anyone with an addiction but I have admitted I am powerless over gambling and I accept i can never gamble again without disastrous consequences. I  thought I had accepted this in the past, but you should always come back to step 1 when you think about having a bet. As i know i cannot win and whether I win or lose that first bet I cannot walk away.

Step 2/3 – 2nd time around I have now come to believe that a higher power is restoring my life back to normal. That higher power is my GA meeting and the people who attend that meeting. There is something very powerful in that room and almost spiritual for me at the moment which is leading me in the right direction. I accept that without the help of GA I wouldn’t be able to stop gambling and make myself a better person.

Step 4 – I have made a financial inventory of what I have lost gambling, but it is harder to make a moral inventory and that is probably the hardest part of recovery as your debts can get paid off if you are earning but the personality changes you need to make are more challenging and can take longer. But this is a lifetime recovery so I am not concerned I haven’t fully cracked this one yet. I believe I am working hard to be a better person one day at a time. When I was gambling I was a liar, selfish and hiding away from reality. I am now trying to be more honest, selfless and taking responsibility for things in the real world.

Step 5 – As my addiction was very secretive as 99% was done online, it was very surprising for people to take in when I told them about my problem. I do not shout it from the roof tops but a good number of close family and friends now know about my addiction which is a big help for me as I don’t have to lie about things or make excuses about things. The more people I tell the easier it gets. I also found it useful writing down my Therapy and sharing it with others.

Step 6/7 – You have to be ready to stop gambling and make changes to your life as part of your recovery. That’s why I commit myself 110% to GA to make myself a better person as well as stopping gambling. These 2 steps are the ones I struggle with the most with and think I need help from a sponsor to apply these to my recovery.

Step 8/9 – The main people I have harmed through my addiction are my family and I try to make amends for that on a daily basis. I also feel bad about lying to my best friend about the severity of my gambling problems but since telling him, I believe we have become closer. To have him present me with my 1 year medal in front of 70 people was very special and a proud moment for me. He continues to support me and came to to our latest open meeting in Nottingham.

Step 10 – You have to constantly work at your recovery and setting up this blog has allowed me to share my thoughts and my personal journey and I am constantly reflecting on where I am and how I am feeling.

Step 11 – I use the serenity prayer throughout my week to get me through tricky situations at home and at work. This is so powerful for me and so simple really.

• Accept the things I cannot change
• Courage to change the things I can
• Wisdom to know the difference

Step 12 – Although I cannot actively promote Gamblers Anonymous I like to share my own recovery experiences with others via this blog and on Twitter. For those who find courage to attend GA I like to pass on the key bits of advice I was given when I first attended in 2003 and again the second time around in 2014.
Following these steps can be highly rewarding and just spending the time to reflect on where I am has been useful to me and hopefully others. Although we probably don’t go through these as much as we should at GA meetings I hope people do take notice of these in their orange book. I have also started using the GA forum and chatroom a lot more recently to get more involved in GA and try and help others.

Recovery is for life, but remember it’s 1 day at a time 👍

Complacency – My Sleeping Lion

When I first started back on the road to recovery in 2003 I put the roaring lion of addiction back in its cage and locked the door. Life got better really quickly and the lion was asleep in its cage.

Over time complacency set in and I stopped going to my GA meetings which I meant I didn’t have that constant reminder of how scary the lion was and one by one my barriers were taken away.

I see now I was taking a big risk and started to leave the lions cage unlocked but he was still asleep so I would be safe. 

Another barrier would disappear which meant I left the lions cage door open slightly as by now I had forgotten the dangers and consequences of the lion escaping and the turmoil that would create in my life. 

Then one day the Lion would awake and make his way out of the cage. I know this is bad but my addiction is telling me I can control the lion and everything will be ok. The scary lion is back in action causing chaos and destruction but I am trying to fight this battle alone and having no success. The Lion is overpowering me again and my complacency has allowed him to do this.

Fortunately I get another lifeline and with the help of my wife and GA I am able to put the Lion back in his cage and he has now been asleep again for over 500 days. I must learn this valuable lesson about becoming complacent as this is probably my last chance. If the Lion got out the cage again, who knows what the consequences will be.

This is a good reminder for me and why I attend regular GA meetings. Be aware of complacency and don’t give your sleeping lion the chance to escape as it is patient and waiting to pounce and roar again.